Christmas came early, motherfucker

ah... shit! Check out my new pick! I'm so excited. I can't wait to get them and play with it. I mean, I suddenly feel like a rockstar just looking at it.

Tavi

Had I known that having kids would be the next shee shee thing since Krispy Kremes, I might have seriously pondered it. Especially if there were a warrantly and assurance that I'd end up with one like Tavi:

http://tavi-thenewgirlintown.blogspot.com/

I mean, I kinda wanna be a hater cause - seriously she is living the life. The LIFE! I could die and come back a hundred times but her life now is pretty damn amazing. Then, really, it's hard not to like her. Just reading her blog, interviews or videos, and you realize that this kid is really intelligent and very savvy.

Better now...

Well, the citizens of sketchyville have left the building, my building that is. I'm content for now. I hope the next residents are more mindful and respectful.

However, as I am one for prepardness, I bought pepper spray, whistle and a taser. I pity the fool.

seriously..

Hate my ghetto ass place

I placed another call to the Montgomery County police about our laundry room being burglarized AGAIN (three fucking times now) case number S09053114 for the second laundry room break in 9.3 and the third incident on 9.18.

This is the third time in six weeks. I know it's an inside job and would wager it is the work of the assholes in Unit 301. I HATE THEM. Ever since these fuckers moved in - February/March we've had the police called a bunch of times, two incidents of smashed in lobby door, littered front lobby area and a urinated carpet in the elevator. Now the sketcky women are gone and the guys are living there. I know that there is something bad going on there. I HATE IT, I HATE THEM. I'm miserable.

500 thayer unit 301 = evil slackjaw motherfuckers. they will be the primary suspects if anything happens.

Pussers

So one of the cardinal rules of going to pussers on a Friday night is that you need to be drunk FIRST then remove any eyeglasses or contacts. Don't spend too much time in the bathroom with college girls or your brain will go into atrophy.

Just Desserts

hahaha

I know I should feel sorry for the victim, but I think he totally deserved what he got. Sadly, the women who were involved will be prosecuted:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/10/wisconsin.sex.assault/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

First, the guy was a perv - arrested on unrelated child abuse charges

Second, the guy was mooch - he skivvied 3k from one of the chicks

Third, the guy was a jerk - hooking up with three or four women and he was married. eeww

Lastly, he probably has the STD's

I do think that 'karma' and karmella and her sisters finally caught up with this guy. Seriously, this article made my day!

Hair band

I saw this person at Orlando airport, couldn't tell if this was a woman or man because the facial features were harsh and this person was 6ft tall. I wish I took a picture to truely capture the situation. The hair was big. HUGE and teflon like. Was this Lita Ford? A member of Cinderella? I was amazed and a little scared.

Headlines be whacked

I want to write for newspapers, blogs or be an anchor cause some of the headlines are so whacked...

For instance, a woman in the South killed and decapitated her 3 1/2 week baby. She may have also commiited cannibalism. She said the Devil made her do it. Now I can't really argue with crazy or Satan. What Evil wants Evil gets. It's tragic and horrible. But what is annoying is that the headlines from AP say: Decapitated baby's mother had psychosis diagnosis (AP)

My reaction is, YA THINK?! Thanks, Capt Obvious. WTF. I want to write a headline that says "DUH!". Whenever anyone does somtehing utterly fucked up, a few days later a news outlet comes out with an assessment that is so stupid, it's very Fox news, you know. Just crap and fodder. Why even post a stupid headline like that.... isn't it obvious.

Oh well. I'm just spiteful cause I haven't flipped out and killed a crapload of people.

Special Place in Hell

I'm confidant that there is a higher power and a mysterious order to this Chaos (of life). What I truely think is that some people are inherently stoopid, evil, and deranged and that those fools deserve a special place in hell.

Not the circle in Dante's Inferno that will likely house me and some of my wickedly funny friends - the intoxicated, soiree where there will be a glass wall of Jimmy Choos and Louboutin shoes and desserts.... for the taking (that we won't be able to break).

Oh.. no. There has to be a special place where people will suffer the same fate they've inflicted on others... say the skinning alive zone for the idiot folks from Oklahoma (*you have no idea how hard it is for me not to jibe the entire state*) that skinned. YES, skinned a puppy. Who the hell would do that? These fools

I really think the government should consider an open house so people could pay an admission fee to either: kick, punch, dunk, throw rotten eggs, debase, throw anything, shoot paintballs at... idiots like those guys. Imagine how much money prisions would make? I simply don't see how people that perform such heinous acts could ever be helpful members of society. I can't even imagine 'imagining' what they did none the less performing it. Yeah.. I think I'm on to something with the humiliation and public punishment charge.

AutoErotic Affixiation Strikes Again

Poor David Carradine.....

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/06/05/carradine.death/index.html

yikes and yikes... Some say suicide, his family says foul play... me thinks he was into some kinky ass shit. The night is young so we will see in time what really happened. You'd be surprise how many people die by A.E.F. Michael Hutchinson - INXS....

Throw in ..rigor mortis and EWWWwwwww

I hope I go in my sleep, au natural.

What have we become

Calling a bit of humanity.... Look I know I'm not the best person to sit on a high horse and talk about how we can become better people. Truth be known, I 'try' to be a good person, the blog is my venue to vent over the ridiculousness of people and situations.

That said, I was blown away to hear about the story of a passerbyer pushing a suicidal person off a bridge. I mean... sometimes you see things and you set up the scenario in 'your head' of what we'd do... but never really doing such things. Most people keep things inside - use their inner voice but you have to take a step back when we as a group start to cross the line.... geez.

You had to be there

The lady in the bikini had a rockin body however she wore a white bikini with a pad! A pad! What the what the? You can't see it in the picture but it was BAD! Why would someone do that?

Good morning

Nothing starts the day better than a fashion show and a department store in the morning. I was @ both

Birth control

Reason number 31 why I don't want kids! What the hell, this dude has pants down his bum, a cap, a baggy hoodie sweatshirt and the hood OVER his cap.

and it's camo.
in the burbs.

Ah shiiit!

What a lovely sight, this is one of the many residents/pedestrians of Silver Spring. I saw this in route to work. This dude is Shirtless drinking at 10am. See the brown paper bag ... That's a 40. Talk about kicking the weekend off. Do you think he woke up this morning and was like "it's casual Friday I'm going shirtless"?

Me suspects EVERYDAY is casual Friday for this guy, if you get my drift. Dang.

Survey says BONG

So flamey chiffon situation is bad. BAD!!!!! She was such a pretty girl too.

Ad huh what?

I seriously wonder if the ad agency was smoking crack cause I have no idea what the hell this means. . .

• is it riduculously refreshing?
• and if so, why is it ridiculous?
• shouldn't it be refreshing?
• what does Ludicris have to do with this ad?
• is the ad ludicrous?

Stoopid!

Mirrors anyone?

Where do I start? Okay I was at the store and saw the above situation. Black tights and booty shorts is unacceptable on anyone unless you work at Hooters, are in a dinner theater, in the theater or a stripper.. Since I'm not the fashion police (thank your lucky stars cause I'd be giving out citations left and right), PEOPLE don't wear something so the shirt rides up your back for everyone to see that your tights are hiked up and your shorts are small and riding down. I can't tell if that is booty crack or the piping on the tights. People don't want to see that. I could've been buying food or something. What the, what the! Ah well.

Wow....

While online doing some research work (TMZ) I came across the above image. It makes me laugh and die a little on the inside - at the same time. Apparently this guy is Shawn Johnson's stalker from Dancing with the Stars. Can't really say we are surprised that this guys is uh.......

unstable. hmm... I don't know if the turquoise bikini bottom or the pink half shirt gave it away. His mother must be soo proud. Assuming he didn't kill her. PSYCHO....

hahaha... people are freaks.

Retrospect

I've been thinking about life lately. Wondering when and how things sneak up on you. Like age, or weight. They just creep up and BOOM you're like WTF, when did this happen.

I'm doing my best to control the latter, nearly 4 pounds lost but it makes me thinking about how much more I need to lose. I must be patience but I like tangibles. this sucks.

The big 35 is around the corner, I'm trying to lose it. I will keep you posted. I did go shopping though. Hey, nearly a month sans shopping I'm pretty proud I lasted that long. However I did make up by binge shopping. The bonus is I'm set on shoes for the spring and summer and I got stellar deals. STELLAR. It's really all about the discount.

Anyways back to the grind. Friday atlast!!

St paddy's

Happy!

Testing fool

Technically I'm testy... but I digress. Been testing and working on documentation. Fun... maybe. It beats this weekend which was pretty grey, damp and cold. I've decided to postpone early retirement to save and become a Winterbird. (okay... maybe I have no choice in postponing retirement... thanks Economy and Mom and Dad...)

I'm still fighting the good fight. I'm a little on the grumpy side today, don't know why. Going to the Sauna to feel better and then to a lame ole meeting. ugh.

I hope my dear Tam is fine - she's on Spring Break in mExiCo...... if she has all of her extremities I will be happy.

I was naughty on Friday due to imbibing a hellava lot and eating happy hour food. Hint - eat before you go out.. less tempting. So... back to square one. I am pleased to inform that the Split Pea and Black Bean soup were actually....edible. crazy. I know. Nearly one month before my birthday. ugh.

Dem eggs taste like crap!

Okay, I'm working on week 2 on Nutrisystem and while the program for the most part is pretty good I have discovered a couple flaws in the meal plan:
1. eggs anything - veggie sausage, egg and cheese, fritata (I love that word)
2. microwave chocolate cake - seriously how can they 'f' this up?
3. the fettucine and any 'cup o crap' you have to add water to

This may be why people lose weight? Who knows...

I haven't seen any noteworthy results, probably cause last weekend was a naughty naughtly weekend. I'm sticking to the plan though. I'm actually pretty famished today. I will report on my progress or frustration. No one has been hurt yet...that's something.

Smells like old person

Long gone are the days of smelling like 'Teen Spirit'. I, now, smell like an old person:
Vicks
Tiger balm
Minty lip balm

this sucks.....It snowed on March 1st, so the cold that I was fighting and getting over came back, with a fury. My body has a hard time dealing with weather changes especially vast switches from 50's to teen in 3 days. The good news is:

• I haven't shopped.
• Still eating Nutrisystem.
• I've discovered not all Nutrisystem meals are good.
• I've gotten extra cuddle time with my puppy/foot heater
• Haven't hurt anyone yet but I think that is primarily due to the bad weather and being sick and not having the strength or good traction to do evil deeds.

so the show goes on.... come on Spring!!

Mobile Blogging

This is a test. When I was sick I saw this guy & soon felt better!

huh?

I've been meaning to put this up. It's a tumor in a brain. A tumor in the shape of a foot. try to look away. Try! I dare you.

Is good... ya?

I am pleased to inform you that:
1. I have not shopped - I've been sick and incapacited so that helped.
2. I have not hurt anyone yet. (see item one)
3. I only had 2 drinks for Fat Tuesday
4. The Nutrisystem food doesn't taste like crap which is good (see item two)
5. I got one of the last items I bought on Ebay before my abstinence vows... (miu miu and prada shoes) I will pet them whenever I get sad or frustrasted.
6. Almost done with New Moon. (see item one)

If I can continue being sick for another 35 plus days, I'll be set! Oh black lung don't fail me now!!

The Promise

so... with lent around the corner (no i'm not Catholic...technically I'm buddhist.. but I respect and value all religions) I've decided to TRY to focus on the good and do a couple of things to better myself.
1. try not to drink alcohol as much - this is defined as not drinking more than 2 or 3 drinks per week. - Most importantly NOT getting drunk/crazy tipsy till mid April.
2. 33-38-40.5
3. nutrisystem - going to stick with this for atleast 2 months - ideally 3 months with a goal of losing 30 lbs. Would like to lose 10-15 lbs by my birthday.
4. not fixate on the bad - keep a positive attitude.
5. not shop for clothes/shoes/accessories until the Week of April 13th. (holy crap)
6. blog more as I will need a place to vent my frustrations.

This may be alot to ask, and I know that I will get seriously ill from eating a crapload of peeps after all this is all said and done. I just want to see if I can do this and be true to myself.

I will still be be blogging about the travesty that is my life and the vile acts of visual assaults I encounter - I just don't want to be 'one of them'. Wish me luck.....
today - good is winning the fight

The big "O"

Every girl needs a vice. I've got a few, for my fellow females that don't have one.... So I was having a not so good day yesterday. I've been in a not good day mood for a while now, so bad that I thought 'shopping' wouldn't help. What has the world come to, when I'm losing hope in 'shopping'? Luckily, the gods were smiling upon me.

I had dinner with a girlfriend at the mall - which coincidentally has a NM last call. So I decided to poke around and see if there was anything 'take home' worthy. That's when I stumbled across the above and also bought a lovely Nanette Lepore jacket to top the emsemble off. The last couple visits to NM last call hasn't been noteworthy so I was pleasantly surprised. I walked out feeling much better as I:

1. helped the economy
2. was in shopping 'o' afterglow
3. was enroute for a drink and dinner with my GF

You know it's real good when you don't have any regrets the next day.

Whaaa??

You thought Barney was retired! Retarded, yes. Retired, I don't know. The missing Teletubby? Maybe.

Things have been challenging lately. I just don't have the strength to be a wholesome good person. I try (kinda) but I've been thinking about switching in my halo for a nice sharp pitchfork....

Score

I'm pleased to say NY wasn't a bust. I didn't get sick over the weekend. I felt a little ill but that was self induced....(that is all I will say).

I went to the Barney's Warehouse sale - I've never been to a warehouse sale in the city, it was definately an experience. Lot's of women clammering for items, a bunch of designer garb, still overpriced and people trying things on in the aisles. I managed to see what I believed were models, some bad plastic surgery and ppl with way too much money or great credit card limits. I should've walked out empty handed but landed a bitchin pair of Miu Miu's. I really couldn't pass up the deal .... (that is all I will say). Also, there is no recession in NYC. Seriously, it's crazy, so many people shopping, eating and drinking? What are they doing that I'm not. I need to get 'in' on the action.

I balanced my shopping karma by going to a consignment/exchange store (Beacon't Closet) in Brooklyn where I passed by a boutique and got these Ugg driving loafers for $20. Nope... not a typo. New in the box and it really was UGG Australia opposed to Ug or Igg or some crazy knock off. They retail for about $130. So score!

We ate, we drank, we shopped. We were also overstimulated while people watching. When is it a good idea to wear a sequined mini skirt and medal/leather biker boots? Why would a woman in a buzzcut (not hot... so very not hot) who looked like a midwest meat and potatoes brood dye her hair magenta and wear pink makeup? Was she on crack or the Drew Carey show? Why was I being visually assaulted? Did I do or say something to deserve such treatment? Or were the blogging gods watching over me to give me something to sass about?

2009 Resolution update

I tried to be a better person but failed the first month. I need to modify this resolution to 'try to be a better person and not kill anyone or get arrested avenging some unkindly act'.
Sounds easy... maybe
but YOU try to avenge a wrong and not get arrested (or caught)... not so easy.

Head cold

Getting sick on friday the 13th. ugh I don't really care about that... but I do care about my trip to NY getting F'ed up.

That would suck... but if I go shopping I may be extra aggressive.... or simply pass out. Last time I felt like shit I did this (see image). I photoshopped a bad memory out of a picture. I would've done worse but it's apparently 'illegal' to set someone on fire..... oh well.
Going to restart the band to get my aggression out. SAD NEWS - I bought two lottery tickets.....and I didn't win.
Guess I gotta keep moving and shakin.. Happy that I'm hanging with the sexy man and one of my fav GalPals this weekend! We shall dominate NYC. I pity the fool that crosses our path.

Anyone looking for Valentine's day ideas - nothing quite says I love you like a big shiny credit card and lots of cocktails!

Crumbing Economy....NOooooooooooooo

Okay, I can deal with the cut backs and saving money tips. I can even deal with the economy hitting the booze and porn industry. sad sad.

But not this, anything but this!!

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/01/28/girl.scout.cookies/index.html

seriously, you think screwing ppl out of 10 coookies will do any good? it will only make ppl angry. ANGRY I tells you!

anyways this is my most favorite vdo:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a5eb4d1fbe/dat-phan-bringing-home-the-white-girl

best quotes:
Oh Happy Halloween too, why don't you dress up like a son who cares.
No, I said she's a whore.
I don't love her, she's a whore.
Look at you, look at you, look at you!
Why can't you be like your brother, he from the clouds, god bring him down.

hahahaha
This takes the sting away a little from the sad sad Girl Scout cookie news. F'ing Commies. Is not America the home of the free and land of the brave and Girl Scout cookies?

Sweet Bjesus, someone get me a martini. STAT!

2009 Resolutions

• must win lottery
• simplify life
• lose weight
• create pickpocketing robot
• pay off debt
• save money
• buy small village in a third world country
• create an army of monkies
• embark on more adventures (the good kind, not the kind that makes you scrub yourself extra hard in the shower while cowering and crying in the corner)

Most of the items for 2009 "to do" are contingent on the first bullet item. sad. By the way, why is there an actual article on Brad Pitt's faithfulness - it's been almost 4 years. I swear... Get over it.