New Years resolution

That little heifer told me to suck her dick. Yep. Loud and proud in front of another adult in public, like she lost her mind.

So, I'm gonna keep it simple this year. Forget losing weight (ok, not exactly but it's on the back burner). Screw being a better person because that hasn't gotten me anywhere. Instead all I want to do is NOT go to jail. Seriously, this is my only resolution.

I hope I can make it....

Skin tone tights is a DON'T

This should be pretty self explanatory for obvious reasons:
1.  You will look buck ass naked
2.  Buck ass naked in public is a pretty bad idea for 98% of the population (author included)
3.  Skin tone tights show all sort of cottage cheese
4.  eWwwwee

Karma, what if it's a bunch of lies??!!

I've often wondered what if the whole concept of good vs evil, karma and bitches get their just desserts is a lie.

I mean what if that IS true?

I've witnessed many a messed up things and seen shitastic people succeed or jump ahead in life. I HAVE to think good people prevail and assholes get what's coming to them otherwise I'd be stabbing bitches and pick pocketing folks.

This is my long overdue tirade as I've witnessed a blessing to quite possibly one of the most ungrateful, spoiled, ignorant and kinda racist persons I've EVER met.  Instead of being humbled and appreciative they are convinced they are the bomb diggity.

The world needs another asshole like Donald Trump needs a nickel.

Awkward Holiday dinner avoided

if you were Liam Hemsworth's family!

I'm sure they are breathing a sigh of relief at the news of his and Miley Cyrus unengagement.  Can you imagine the conversation with his grandparents and her passing the gravy?  MUAHhahahah

I shudder to think.

no really, I shudder.  I mean.  Ewwwww.

Zombie Outbreak Vehicles

Holy mother trucker, on my way to work I saw a truck with stickers, neon green zombie blood and weapons.  I wished I stopped and took a picture, it was freakin awesome!!!

So I googled it and can't believe how many people trick out their cars.  It's crazy.

I wanna live

yeah.... in case I needed additional fodder for my "do not fly to list", this article pretty much sealed the deal on Honduras.

Mexico has been on the list for years - you know with the decapitations and kidnappings.

I think it's a solid idea to say that any country on the Dept of State "Do Not Travel List" and possible areas around said countries are automatically included in my poo poo to you list.  Honestly, any place that requires Kidnapping Insurance sucks.

Windshield curse

Holy Fuck!  I am cursed.  Third time a rock has hit my windshield and cracked it in a year.

Let's think about those odds.
Of all the people in the DMV, that drive to work about 2 hours a days approximately 192 days a year.  Or 384 hours a year or around 16 solid days of my life per year.....  and I'm the lucky mother fucker that gets a broken windshield..... not once, but THREE times.

Really, can't we just transfer a portion of that craptastic luck over to winning the lottery or something?  I could really do some evi.. "good" with that money and save small animals and orphan shoes.

DC has the worst traffic

It's true.  Perhaps it's not the worst in the nation but its up there.  See..... And some studies have said the DC commute is the worst.

I was driving home today and I swear every student driver and their 80 year old grandmother was out driving.  On top of that, everyone in the DMV decided it would be a great time to hit the road at the same time so there was bumper to bumper traffic on the beltway for a solid ass 40 minutes no joke and there wasn't a broken down car or accident in sight.

I almost flipped the fuck out.  Really.  If I'm sitting in traffic that ain't moving, on a road with no stop light there better be a good ass reason.  I'm talking a circus parade or some shit.  On the bright side, at least it was going home and not going to work.

Snowden, you flaming piece of shit

I hate you and would be willing to stand in line and not sleep for a couple days (like I was waiting for a concert) to have the chance to kick you in the kidneys and see you pee blood.

Especially now that you are in Russia.  Hey, Putin, funny how a few hours ago your PR people were indignant about the US saying that Snowden was there and Russia was denying it.  Because god forbid relations with you guys get any worse (Pot, Kettle black....)

assholes. 

Speaking of, check out the quote from Putin:

Noting the United States and Russia do not have an extradition agreement, Putin said Snowden can't be turned over to U.S. authorities and has committed no crimes on Russian soil.

But he also said Russian security forces have not been "working with" Snowden and expressed hope that the incident would not "affect the cordial nature of our relations with the U.S."

That's a first, I didn't know the relationship with our countries were considered cordial.  I mean the US worked with Russia about a month ago with the Boston bombing.  But Russian authorities aren't willing to extradite Snowden... I wonder if it has anything to do with any secret information he divulged or the fact that our countries are friendemies.  That shit is more blatant than the fake ass wig Amanda Byrnes wears.

Regardless, this situation is bullshit.  This guy is a chuckle head, he's like a big dumbass kid that is starving for attention.  Now he's saying that he fully intended to gather and disclose information from the get go.  He's also communicating with Julian Assange (Wikileaks founder) who is in an Ecuadorian embassy in London to avoid extradition on sexual charges.  Two weaselling assholes chalk full of delusion.  They should share a cell together.  I hope they both die a slow, painful itchy in the underparts death. 

Fairy tales

1.  Maybe the Evil Queen wasn't so evil.
2.  Maybe Snow White was a little hussy delinquent that got in all kinda of trouble and did all sorts of unsavory things. (She hangs out in the woods with 7 men, 'talks' to animals...  for all you know she was eating wild mushrooms)
3.  What if Snow White killed her mother and perhaps her dad was a love blinded fool (I mean he married the evil queen).
4.  What if the Queen was trying to be a responsible role model, teach her about properly fitting into society and Snow White was a spoiled ego centric entitled a-hole?

I think truth is stranger than fiction.  And that a new version of the story needs to be told.  Don't even get me started on Hansel and Gretel trespassing committing B&E to that little old lady that wanted to be left alone.  Assholes.

Traitors

Today's rant is fueled by PMS and my disdain for Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, national traitor and delusional extraordinaire.

I get being idealistic, young and foolish - to a degree.  Go work at a CO-OP, join the Peace Corp or go to Lalapalooza.... .  But don't put national security at risk.   Especially for citizens of the fine fucking country that your family/friends currently reside in.  Yes, the very country that you grew up in, that gave you the opportunity to make something of yourself and provide you with a podium to rant about freedom of speech.  NOTE:  It's ironic that he is leaking information in a foreign country that monitors their citizens internet, phone calls and movement (Hong Kong/China) and is willing to entertain discussions with Russia and other 3rd world countries that DO NOT have freedom of fucking speech.

asshole.

As far as I'm concerned, Snowden is a traitor and fit to be tied and quartered.  I look forward to authorities finding his corpse in an alley.

Thongs - a modern day torture device

That moment you go to the bathroom cause you realize all of a sudden you are going to pee yourself and when you remove your undies it feels as though you waxed your taint.

HOLY Mother of GOD!

It hurts like a son of a gun.

Mental note burn this pair of undies and spend the extra $$ for some bamboo or modal shit.

Sweatband headband

I might be the person bringing this back in style.

For reeelz

My eyes are stinging like a son of a gun

Reality TV Shocker

I don't want to be Capt Obvious... but I can't say people shouldn't be surprised by this.

Yes, you read correctly: Teen Mom (one of the trashy hoes on that craptastic MTV reality show) tries to become a porn star.  One word:



SHOCKER.

Hey girlie girl, maybe you should put aside some of that reality tv money for therapy to deal with your whacked out daddy issues or invest in some saving bonds for your kid instead of being a crackhead.



On other bitchtastic fronts, what is the dealio with Amanda Bynes?  Poor thing, she's s l o w l y
becoming a role model of desperateness.  If  you google her the first top items are:

This chick isn't crying for attention, she's pratically SHOUTING for it.  It's sad, since the beginning of the year she's made a series of crazy unhinged acts after another.

It's a train wreck, but I can't look away.

Hey Bitches.. it's Friday & it's April.... when did that happen??!

Seriously, it's nearly tax day and I could've sworn that the year just began.

Honestly... I may have just vacuumed the house from the last hoorah.  Regardless, we are nearly 1/3 of the way through the year!!  How does that happen?  I think I was sober but alas.

So tell me, how are your new year's resolutions coming along?

Mine is good - I kept it base and simple (so I won't be sorely disappointed at the end of the year).  "Have not been arrested for assaulting anyone".  Yay! me, operation aim low - score high wins again.

AND I found my best friend.

Rocker dude

I'm in awe of this guy.
He's totally rocking out.
and what's better???

I think this is in DC.  I wish I was there.

Are we all Ho's

 
I've been pondering the concept that in general, we are ho's or pimps.  This roles is fluid and changes in context.

For example:
You order large fries and yell at the cashier cause the fries aren't full in the container.
You, sir, are a pimp.
The cashier is your ho.

You make dinner and the shitskies you made it for don't clean up or help.
You, sir, are a biotch.
You made food and have to clean it all up.

You get reamed for not implementing enough updates for a client.
You, sir, are a porno ho, taking it from all sides.

You go to the liquor store and have the sales associate load your ride up with alcohol.
You, sir, are a pimp.

See, you can essentially apply this to all aspects in life. 

Bobby Brown going to jail AGAIN

This made CNN news. 

It's such a shocking surprise. 

NOT.  Yo, BB, what went wrong?  You had so much talent, blessings and money.
PUT DOWN the CRACK PIPE.

Fire Ass

This is the crap your mother or school doesn't teach you about:
Hemorrhoids.

I hate getting old.   Why oh why.  It's enough to get wrinkles or have gray hairs but this shit OMG.  I might as well start wearing a colostomy bag.

Holy shit do they hurt.  Literally he who penned the phrase "pain in the ass" had to have had one.  This is the second time I've had one all this year.   And you wanna talk awkward at the pharmacy.  The cashier must've thought I was having some freakish party with the preperation h, stool softener and peeps.  There wasn't much small talk if you catch my drift.

Regardless my ass hurts and googling this isn't helping cause I'm all freaking out about getting surgery now (thanks over active imagination).

der pression

I can't tell if it's the winter time blues, economy or general BLAAness overall but I think I'm depressed.  It's pretty normal to get the blues, I've gone in and out of funks before but it's been a good two months now and I'm generally funky around the holidays for obvious reasons.  So it's been a while and it's getting on my nerves.  Thinking about it depresses me... damn.

So... how to know if you are depressed:
1. haven't gone shopping.
2. diminished desire to go shopping
3. wanton lack of giving a shit
4. only creative outlet is coming up with new ways to wear pajamas in public
5. crap ton of sleeping
6. diminished desire to bitch slap people
7. haven't gone shopping
8. avoiding mirrors due to items 3. & 4.

sucks.  even my desire to plot has ceased & desisted.

the only consolation is that alot of people seem to be going through the same funk.  maybe it's a virus like the flu.  stupid. flu grumpy ...  I want summer to come and to win the lottery (a big one not some bs small penny slot jackpot either).

Sue your face!

I just knew the day would come although I'm a little surprise the the action is coming from the offspring......  Thanks for nothing Mom & Dad..

Many a times I've mentioned suing the parents of a person suing a corporation or in the legal system.  For instance, people that sue McDonald's because they are fat, opposed to being 'accountable' for their fatty fat actions.  It's a crazy concept I know, but maybe if they were taught that if YOU eat fatty foods, YOU will become... fat. 

No one is forcing you.  and gawd forbid if upon review you have larger people in your family...cause I think it would be fair to countersue the parents, for having a dumbass kid and not teaching them basic fundamental values.  It's a disservice to them and the rest of society.  I digress.

This guy took it to another level.  It sucks that some people have more advantages than others, but I personally believe that the true character of a person can be seen under duress.  That how you deal with adversity will help you succeed in life.

The short of it: anything worth having takes effort, otherwise everyone would have 'it'.

If only the legal system worked this way

Wacky things have been all over the news lately, like the Carnival Cruise poopaster...err disaster.  Or the double amputee speedracer that murdered his model girlfriend?  Um...you are going to wish you were with her when you get to prison.... cause you are cute and can't run no where. 

Damn.  I went there.

But holy smokes, what about the jackwad that slapped a two year old on a plane??!!  And it wasn't his kid?!!!  WTF, America?  Who does this?  I wish we could sue people's parents, this guy is f*cked up and I just cannot believe there were no warning signs.  A racist bully sociopath that what he is.  I've been on planes and there is that little cringe when crying babies get on them.. but you know what?  They are babies/children.  Plane trips are scary to kids and adults in general, all those people and it's a little chaotic.  Don't even get me started on that ear popping issue - which a baby or little kids wouldn't even know how to do (to release the tension) and gawd forbid if the little person has an ear infection or is sick.

It's a big to do for big and little people.

You don't go around slapping people, ESPECIALLY not kids and ESPECIALLY strangers kids.  Holy shit, imagine if you could slap people, it would be mass chaos.

Hardships come with life, but you don't assault children.  How that hell did this guy get a managerial position?  I'm glad there is major backlash and he got fired.  He will be forever humiliated.  I wish I could slap him.

Bathroom Phone Etiquette

Okay, I'm no Ann Landers but holy shit.

That awkward moment in a bathroom with someone talking loudly and peeing louder then doing a double flush.  I don't care if it's your best friend, kids, spouse, parent.  I know, everyone uses the bathroom and may even be on the phone sometimes, but for GAWD sakes, mute that shit.  I don't need to know that you and your friend are down with some freaky bathroom fetish.

It's bad enough to hear someone else's conversation but to know that the true recepient is fine with the cell/bathroom etiquette disburbs me more.  EWwww.  I mean if that's the shit you 'know' about, I shutter to think about the crap being done on the phone you don't know about.

literally and figuratively... haha.  I made a funny.  crap.
ewww.

Im fuckin plosion

It's happening.

I'm having one of those days. 

Someone might get hurt and I'm pleading insanity. 

Getting old blows #23

As I was driving into the office today I saw a guy doing calisthenics, the 17 yr old in me wanted to honk the horn. 

But I didn't, cause I'm old and lame.  I thought:
What if I run into him?
What if he is a  client, new co-worker etc.?
What if I give him a heart attack?

It made me sad.  I miss the days of doing silly but inane stuff just for shits & giggles.  When you rationalize doing fun stuff... life is lame.

Like that moment you see age spots on your hand or face. 
Or
When you find a grey hair in a no no spot.

Deadlocked - Charlaine Harris f'ed me

I'm a bit of a bibliophile.  I love books, reading them, listening to them, even going to a bookstore.   It saddens me that bookstores are fast becoming unicorns... oh so rare.

That said, I finally caught up on the last Charlaine Harris Sookie Stackhouse series novel and I gotta say, I'm bitterly dissapointed.  It may not take much to dissappoint me but this book really made me sad.  I've diligently read all the books (save two that I listened to), and I love love love the HBO series (eventhough it verved a bit off course) but the last book DEADLOCKED f'ing sucked.  It was soooo redundant.  I mean it's the 12th book in the series, I know the characters.  I KNOW the damn characters for GAWD sakes!!!  You DON'T need to tell me 12 times.  I'm not drunk or slow.  Okay.. I'm not drunk... right now.  And there was barely any sexy time in the book.  like NADA!!   Sookie can't make up her damn mind on who she wants to get with: Eric, Bill, Sam.  WTF.  There was no passion and barely a storyline.  Just a bunch of fodder. 

Maybe if I were drunk while listening to this, it would've been less painful.

If you are considering reading or listening to this book, read this review first because you will never get those hours back and I love you too much to say I told you so.

I'm listening to Real Murders by Charlaine Harris, I hope this will rectify the gaping hole in my heart.  I really hate it when you begin to hate something you loved sooo much like the time I ate four whole packages of Peeps and got nauseous... but that's another story.