no habla espanol, motherlicker!

I'm in a bit of a quandry, seems that being multiethnic has many perks:
kick ass food
funky name
fun possible places to visit
did I mention food? mmm......
exotic looks

It's the last item which is delightful but can be problematic. For instance, say a person looked latina but was not. Imagine the frustration, if you will, of getting asked or spoken to in spanish once a week almost everyweek of your adult life? Imagine again, if you went to latin restuarants and people thinking you are the same ethnic group, saw you with a 'foreigner' and gave you the 'she thinks she's better than us' stink eye. Perhaps making you wait longer or ignoring you... How about being hit on all the damn time by that same group? Which the 'said person' wouldn't mind if they were hotties.... but nay. I get all the 4'2" motherlickers....

NAY, I say.

I guess the most annoying part is when I say that I'm not latin, and identify my ethnicity and people still ask me if I'm sure. I mean, what the F! Are you inquiring if my mother was a whore? hmmm... That I'm an orphaned vagabond that never met my parents? These are the moments I wish I could slap people. I think it would be justified.

the end.

shop-a-holic

Some people have a problem. I have a gift that is also a curse. I get really really good deals. So while I will openly admit my penchant for shopping, it's the discounts that are my biggest downfall. Take my latest conquest for instance:



My evil bestie (she's not evil but we are trouble together) informed me of a super sale at Leifsdottir - kick ass brand from Anthropologie. As I reviewed the sale section I was taken by a number of lovely items at stellar prices. So much in fact that I spent a small fortune. But if I paid full price it would've been $1260+. I know I know.. it's a lot of money, but we are talking a nearly 70% savings. It would've been a 75% savings if I didn't get that damn jacket... but it's sooooo pretty.

I'm going to hide the credit cards and rationalize buying groceries..... but I will look great!

TMM's.....

What happens when you have 75 guests celebrating a 3 year old's birthday, alcohol, a baby's mama, a baby's daddy and mama's new boyfriend? Did I mention a hellalotta alcohol? Oh... and Ohio. You don't need to be Einstein to know that no good can come of this. NO GOOD, I say!!

Anyways to see Darwinism at work, and check out the pimp ass outfit on the school janitor (see pic below)- go to the link below. That shit is DOPE... seriously, how much is that guy getting paid?!  Janitors at my school wore uniforms or look busted.  This dude got the same outfit he wore on Friday night.  

And riddle me this... how the hell did this guy's shirt come off? I mean did he do a 'Hulk freak out' or something.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/09/28/ohio.birthday.brawl/index.html?iref=NS1

Marc Jacobs has a clown fetish

really...... I've been a follower of his work. I know he had a penchant for doing coke with his ex-husband, getting naked and doing benchpress(es). I can't even try to rationalize that but... seriously, now that you know... pay closer attention and you will realize he has some kind of deranged fetish with clowns. Case in point:

um hmmm..you need a stylist

Okay, even though I've sworn off all voluntary actions, I feel inclined to help the needy.

Often times I see people in dire need of advice, people crying out for attention, friendless or perhaps vampires (can't see themselves in mirrors) because that is the only explaination for some of the really really bad fashion I see on the streets.

Friends don't let friends embarass the shit out of you in public.

Case in point... this gentlemen above, I'm sure he's a very nice person, and I 'get' the look he was going for. However, it would've looked alot nicer if the sweater vest was less fitted and if he wore bigger pants. Not to mention he had a longer torso, his proportions are off and the look did nothing for him. He was walking with female co-workers to lunch... in public. You'd think his mommy or someone could have pulled him aside and told him not to wear that outfit. I felt sad and really wanted to talk to him, but alas, since I cherish my safety and was pretty damn hungry myself, I let this pass.

Death and Mayhem

Okay, it's mostly death and not so much mayhem.

This week has been spent revealing in my new phone and in an epic battle between good and bad. Me being good. Mice being bad. I have a mice problem, it just started last year when we foolishly cancelled the exterminator contract because my condo association is broke ass poor. But that's a WHOLE other story. Anyways, I've been killing mice in swordfights, and traps. I thought things were going swell as I've been obsessively cleaning my place, throwing recycled and trash out every damn day, that is until last night when I saw the turd-lettes of a big fat mouse..... on my STOVE. I was like "Oh HELLLL's NO!" So I loaded up the snap trap with peanut butter, placed it 'just so' lightly on the stove top and sprayed olive oil on the trap. My boyfriend shook his head and alluded to me going insane. But NAY, I knew in my heart of hearts that I would have the last laugh because as fat ass Hainesworth (that's the mouse's name cause like the sorry ass Redskin's player, he's fat and full of shit) came in the night, went for the peanut butter he'd go - oops... whoops.... slippity slip slip... SNAP! and meet his demise.

I, of course, said "you just wait and see".

Well, low and behold, as I did my morning routinue and glanced on the stove - (the heavens opened up) I noticed that "I done killed me a vermit"! I yelled out "oh yeah" and requested my boyfriend to reveal in my glory. He was slightly appalled but I suspect in my blood glory I was kinda sexy cause he knew that he too would meet his demise if he didn't do my bidding.


I knew my trickery worked because little fatty Hainesworth was lying in the trap, caught by his snout - he apparently slipped and went KABOOM! I know that this is not over, it's mearly one battle in an epic war but these little fuckers need to know that I am not the one. I think I will change my title to the great annihilator.

I'm feeling good.

so long crapberry!

Yay!!! finally, I'm coming out of the dark ages. My HTC Driod is en route, as I type. I can quit using this phone. While it was working okay, lately - like the last 2-3 weeks, I've had to charge the phone at a 4o degree angle and apply pressure to the upper right hand side for it to actually charge.

This is no way for someone to live. It's sad.

I contemplated holding a telethon, with proceeds going to a kick ass phone and shoes for my rainy day fund. I'm sooo happy. I don't think I've been this happy since I scored my Miu Miu ballet flats last year. Guess who is going to be updating the shit out of their blog? Oh yeah. ... I'd like to say that I've learned something good or Buddhist during my time without the camera phone, you know reflect on mankind's humanity and decided that I will no longer engage in the embarassing moments of others.... but nay. Here's my lesson:
Life is short, do what makes you happy.
While money can not buy happiness, it CAN buy things that make you happy.
Commenting on whacked out 'situations' and venting, makes me pretty darn happy.

better hide your kids, hide your wife.. hide your kids, hide your wife...

a dash of pepper

So I'm still stumbling through life with a crappy phone. I actually have the world edition blkberry but no camera/no fb or blogging capabilities = no evil. and really what fun is that? I have to now 'work' to update crap. It blows. I'm now a digital hermit.

Speaking of hermits... I'm fighting a battle with the ex'bldg manager. He is an A HOLE. This was just a side tangent. I hope his ears burn and his pee stings.

I went shopping this weekend - prior to the tryst two weeks ago - I hadn't shopped in (ready?....) three months. I KNOW... it was all pent up. Shopping after such a long time was better than having breakup sex. It was sooo awesome and I didn't feel guilty afterwards. I'm pleased to report that I still have my shopping mojo as I scored a White House Black Market dress normally $168 for a whopping $10. Uh huh! Oh yeah. I went on to spend a lot more than $10. But yay, shopping karma.

I'm still on the fence about getting the Droid or waiting for an iPhone. I mean there's a crap load of stuff I could update my blog with if I were more connected. We shall see.

xoxo!

Reprieve...dang

so.. it appears that God loves fat metalheads too. in the midst of my drunken stuphor blogging a few weeks ago... my phone fell into my beverage.

it died.

I was all "NOooooo, dear god WHY. Take ME.... no... TAKE HIM" - pointing to random strangers... so... I've been dealing. The temp phone only allows me to receive emails, NO camera, NO instant FBing or Blogging. It is so sad. I feel like I'm in the Dark Ages. I mean it's a bit obvious now if I whip out my camera and take pictures... then I have to upload it and type in an entry. Ugh. My brain hurts.

I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and hate everyone equally. It's the right thing to do. Till then I will suffer with my lame ass 3g slow as snails phone. How in the hell did humans manage to survive prior to technology?

I love the eighties!

Metal fest

Aw yeah. Nothing like a local Metal concert or Walmart to make you feel hot.

drip drip drip

the building walls have shifted and there's an incessant drip drip noise driving me crazy. perhaps I can ignore it, maybe I'll flip out, who's to say.

a moment on the lips, an eternity on the hips

I wish that saying could dis-sway me from indulging but nay.

NAY I say. I indulged in some candy, maybe a donut... maybe some pizza - albeit vegetarian (makes me feel slightly healthier... haha)

Today I'm grumpy. No reason really, just grumpy for grumpy sake. The only saving grace is that I'm going to hang with friends this evening, maybe dream up some shananagan that involves fame and riches, gossip and enjoy each other's company.

I NEED TO BE RICH. This pedestrian life is killin me.

Ohh.. another good thing, speaking of pedestrians is that I no longer have to park in the public garage. YAY! Back to underground parking. I like it because:

1. there are more crazy people and vagabonds enroute to the public garage and work
2. sometimes I'm ill prepared for the visuals of public transportation
3. the building garage is 150% more convenient
4. I feel safer
5. it is also kinda elitist

so there. ah.. I feel so much better now. BOO Pubic Parking *yeah... I meant that*

England has the best Serial Killers

Seriously, throughout history the motherland (you know to America) and Germany always has the most wackiest and wildest serial killers. Don't get me wrong the old US has had it's fair share of crazies:

• Green River Killer
• Jeffrey Dalmer
• John Wayne Gacy
• Ed Gein (it rubs the lotion on the skin)
• The Zodiac Killer

and NO, Charles Manson doesn't count because he was a mass murderer, thank you. Not a Serial Killer (duh). But I digress. England - something about Serial Killers, Cannibals and Prostitutes I mean, really it's a recipe for disaster. See the CNN article here

Ah well, the more I read about crime, the more I'm hoping that micro-organisms take back the earth or that a Supernova sucks us up. Let the bunnies, kittens and puppies inherite the earth cause humans suck.

Speaking of sucking... three day weekend. I'll be sure to snag pictures of visual attrocities - because it's the beginning of summer (people get drunk, put on clothes in the dark, drink liquid courage to karioke, it's hot, less clothes, people seem to think they are far hotter than actuality) and there's bound to be bad BAD bad fashion. And I'll be there like the caped crusader waiting to strike (and take picture to blog about) so I can defend the rights and eyes of the masses!

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

seriously, you can't make this crap up. This dude, Jarrod Wyatt, drank some wacky mushroom tea and ripped out the heart and eyes of his 21 year old friend. The guy bleed to death after his heart was ripped out of him - WHILE HE WAS ALIVE!! Holy Crap. I shudder to think about this guys last moments. EEWWWW

Now let's access the prepetrator...
1. His name is Jarrod
2. His last name is Wyatt
3. Don't most serial killers have Wyatt or Wayne in their names?
4. What's up with the whacked out hairdo? Please tell me this picture was taken AFTER the mushroom incident because there is NO excuse to walk around looking like this. I mean he should be incarcerated on the fashion crime alone. GUILTY.

Anyways, to read more about this story go to the below link. Oh yeah... one more thing. EWWwwwww......



http://msn.foxsports.com/boxing/story/MMA-fighter-Jarrod-Wyatt-eyes-heart-murder-charge-052610

Called a trend for a reason

Boots and sun dresses Geez. I mean did they have a conference call to prep that ensemble? It's too early to be drunk which is the only explanation I can give.

Braille

so, I could understand putting braille on ALL signs.

But riddle me this, why doesn't the restrooms have braille on the signs yet the Mechanical Room does.

Now don't get me wrong. I love me some blind people but I must admit being a bit closed minded about a blind mechanical/electrical technician. It scares me.

Please don't go into the Mechancial ROOM! What if I switch the signs? I'm just thinking about the greater good and no matter how I dice it, Mr. or Ms. Blind Engineer is not a pretty sight.

that's so 1984

so I don't want to be a sad sally. and I don't know if you are ready for this, with all of the problems of the world: Haiti, war, disease, famine.. etc. but here goes....

(don't hate the messenger....)

The Scorpions.... are breaking up. I will give you a moment, to let this sink in.

Acceptable responses are:
1. Wow, I thought they were dead.
2. The what?!
3. Didn't they break up when I was in grade school?
4. The who?!
5. That's so 1984.
6. Grandpa?

Edumacation

Damn maybe this is why you are a blue collar worker.

Bitchy, maybe.

But if you are operating heavy equipment which I suspect requires a license of some sort, a public worker or in a profession that entails setting up safety parameters for pedestrians - I highly suggest learning how to spell. You know... in case I don't know what the hell a 'sisewalk' is and that it is 'colse' because of a big hole or something. Why?! Why?